


Gamat Charach

by Avem



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, Dysphoria, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It Gets Better, Misgendering, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Ori (Tolkien)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2016-01-06
Packaged: 2018-05-10 14:01:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5588848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avem/pseuds/Avem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Before the events of The Hobbit, Ori -or Orìs, depending whom you asked- was not happy. He missed Nori. Nori always understood, he knew how to make things better. And Dori... Don't get him wrong, he loved Dori, but he wasn't good with change.</p>
<p>Then, when Nori joins the company to reclaim Erebor, Ori and Dori follow suit on the adventure -or suicide mission, again depending who you asked- of a lifetime.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE THE TAGS: This story does not start out nice, but it will get better I promise. 
> 
> I've written 6ish chapters so far, and plan to be posting once a week on Wednesdays (so long as college isn't killing me). As I continue writing this piece, the tags and trigger warnings may change (I'm hoping to add some Fili/Ori action eventually). I will always post trigger warnings in the notes at the beginning of the chapter.
> 
> Gamat Charach- meaning 'Good Pain' in Khuzdûl- takes a lot from my own experiences as a pre-transitioned transman in a unaccepting family. Either way, my experiences and the way I present Ori are unique, as there is no one way to be trans or to feel about being trans.
> 
> Any mistakes are my own- this work is not beta'd.
> 
> Tw: light misgendering, brief dysphoria, and mention of past self-harm and thoughts of future self-harm. Maybe slight PTSD... better safe than sorry.

Ori woke up slowly, blinking up at the carved ceiling of his room in Ered Luin. It was early, but not early enough for Dori to still be sleeping, and Ori didn't want to face his brother yet.

 It was going to be a bad day for Ori- he could tell by the waves of discomfort that washed over him with every rise and fall of his chest- that by all reasoning should be small molehills rather than mountains- no. He wasn't going to think about it. He would be okay, he _would._ Deep breath. One foot in front of the other, just like Nori always told him.

 Nori... He missed Nori. He always _understood_ , he knew how to make things better, what to say to keep the panic at bay. Not that Dori didn't try to understand, but he wasn't good with change. Dori was always a wonderful brother to Ori, and he wouldn't wish him away for any brother in the world; with his protective and gentle nature. He was always there, raised him when their mother died shortly after giving birth to Ori. Dori knew how to provide; how to put food on the table and bandage skinned knees and mend ripped clothes... But Nori made Ori feel understood, made him feel _real_.

 Nori had only been gone a week, he certainly has gone longer without seeing his brother, but he missed his words- how he'd use Ori's name and tell him how he's a good lad and that everything's going to be okay.

 Ori sighed when he heard Dori's quiet footfalls approaching his room.

 "Orìs?"

 He quickly decided he might as well face the day and stop hiding in bed. "I'm awake," he winced at the pitch of his voice and tried deepening it like he's been practicing, "You can come in."

 Dori pushed the door open slowly, his silver braids done perfectly with not one a wrinkle in his tunic. His large, gentle hands held a cup of steaming tea.

"Oh, you didn't have to- I was going to be out in a minute.." He accepted the tea from his brother, "thank you."

 "It's alright, I wanted to talk... May I?" He gestured to the edge of the bed, taking a seat at Ori's nod.

Ori refused to let himself hope, after all, he wasn't likely to suddenly start using his name and pronouns when Dori called him Orìs not 5 minutes ago. He waited, looking down into the warm brown tea Dori brought.

 "It's Nori."

 At this Ori's head snapped up. "Is he okay? Is Nori hurt?" His voice heightened in panic.

 "No, well... No he's not hurt, but... He... You've heard about King Thorin's quest to retake Erebor?"

 He nodded, eyes wide, as his brother pushed his lips together and his eyes tightened at the edges- just like they would whenever he was disappointed. He'd been at the receiving end of that look many times recently as he bound his chest tighter, when he _finally_ threw out his last remaining girly dress shirt, when one of his friends came asking for Ori instead of Orìs. Dori never yelled, not really... He didn't really need to.

 That look almost made Ori feel guilty enough to regret it all sometimes- his choice to live as himself rather than hiding behind the girly dress shirts to please everyone else. Only sometimes, but then he'd look at his arms in the mirror, see the fading scars and the recent scabs, remember the sleepless nights feeling so alone with his thoughts, that he wasn't who he knew he was yet, wetting his pillow with tears that were gone by morning and bandages with blood that lasted a little longer, but sometimes not long enough. He was getting better now, he rarely had trouble sleeping through the night and only craving the sweet, good pain of a blade once or twice a week rather than every day, but he always regretted it the next morning when he did give in. So far he's managed to not touch a knife to his skin in 5 days.

 "Nori's joined the company. That's where he's been all week, his guard, Dwalin, is keeping him on a short leash on Thorin's orders. But Nori's not protesting- he sees this as the best way to go decent- his skills could be used in the retaking of Erebor, and even after, as they'd be in need of a trusted spy-master to keep the royal family safe. He says he has it all planned out, like such a thing could be planned. And even then..."

 He felt his mouth turn up into a smile, "That's good news." Nori was going decent, after years of being a thief, never knowing if he'd come home that night, or if he did, he'd be unharmed. And Dori's always wanted him to get a respectable job, even if the stealing did help their finances a lot, Dori always said that there must be _something_ else he could do. Spy-master would be a great job for someone like Nori, who could never sit still unless it was to hide from guards or wait for an opening to get his prize, who threw his knifes around with such agility like they wouldn't be able to take off a finger or three with one miscalculation, who needed the rush and excitement like he needed breath.

 But Dori's lips just tightened further, "Orìs, you don't remember the desolation of... of Smaug. The fire... And..." He cut off, taken by memories of searing heat and screams.

 He set the forgotten tea aside and gently touched his brother's hand to bring him back, "Dori... But Nori know's what he's doing. He's smart and he wouldn't have joined the company to die." At least, he thought Nori wouldn't.

 His brother snorted, thankfully able to shake off the memories. "He's a _thief_ Orìs. Smart isn't a word I'd use to describe his life choices."

 He ignored the jab, knowing all too well what Dori thought of Nori's life choices. Ori was about to respond with a quick 'I know,' before Dori could start his rant, but then his eyes watered with tears and Dori chocked back a sob, closing the distance and holding Ori close.

 "I'm sorry... I know. He's _trying_ and that's so wonderful... But Orìs. Please. Don't join him, don't join the company, don't..."

  _Don't leave._

 "Dori..." He felt his own eyes pricker with tears and clung to Dori tighter, "I... He shouldn't have to go alone. He's our brother."

 "I know, I know," his voice shook and he pushed their foreheads together, "he asked us not to join."

 "But we will, won't we?" Ori couldn't stand the thought of his brother leaving, that he and Dori would be separated from Nori.

 Dori didn't need to say anything for him to know that he thought this was a suicide mission and Ori knew he wasn't going to make it to six days clean from the blade with the news that he and his two brothers could very easily be walking to their deaths.

"... yes."

 He took a breath, deciding that he needed to be strong for his brothers, "Good...When do we leave?"


	2. Joining the Quest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: light misgendering and mention of self-harm
> 
> Its SO SAPPY (don't hate me)

Nori was glaring at the floor again. He was so _bored_. He had to prove himself loyal to the company, after all he _was_ a thief, and if he was somehow showing this by standing still next to Dwalin, who was standing still next to Thorin- as he is his highness' guard- then he could do that easily. But is was _so boring_.

Thorin was glaring down at all the paperwork and contracts that swarmed the table he was sitting at. The crown-less king had a lot of work to do before they set off. Dwalin spent his time glaring at Nori or at the door waiting for someone, _anyone_ , to enter and join their quest. They were a sorry group- the crown-less king, his two barely-of-age nephews, his guard, his adviser, a cook, a miner, a toy maker, a healer, a banker, and him; a thief. Supposedly there's a wizard coming to join them, but he hasn't heard any more details about that. He's also heard that Dain's going to send an army from the Iron Hills with them to retake the mountain, but Nori thinks a wizard- of all things- joining them is the more probable than Dain sending out aid. He snorts at the thought, but doesn't speak up, knowing there was little point.

Nori looked up, having heard foot steps outside. Thorin must have heard them too, for he looked up from his work and sat up straight, looking the part of a king of Erebor.

There was a knock, to which Thorin barked, "Enter!" and a guard pushed his way in.

"No..." His mouth dropped open. It was Dori and Ori. His _brothers._

Dwalin gave him a firm glare at his whispered outcry, not that Nori noticed- he was too busy drinking in the sight of his brothers and hoping that they weren't here to join the company, not after he asked Dori not to.

Thorin stood up from his seat, "Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror." He nodded slightly at his brothers.

Dori bowed low, and after a moment hesitation, Ori did the same as his brother rather than a traditional woman's curtsy. "Hail Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror. I am Dori, eldest son of Falori, you've already met my brother, Nori, son of Darzak, and now lastly, Orìs-"

"Ori, s-son of Belbere." Ori interrupted in a gush, his voice shaking but loud enough to be heard over Dori's introduction.

Dwalin and Thorin exchanged a look as Dori openly stared at Ori. Ori keep his eyes down, his whole frame shaking with nerves and refusing to look at anyone, but Nori could see the telltale sight of tears in his youngest brother's eyes, and he winces in sympathy.

"I'm a scribe, I mean I can fight of course sir- I mean your highness, er, but I would be able t-to recount the retaking of Erebor.. You know, for history... and p-politics... Sire... Please-let-me-join-your-quest." Ori's voice heightened in panic, rushing through the last few words and still not looking at anyone.

Thorin nodded, "Well met, Ori, son of Belbere. You offer this company a great service and I would be glad to see you on our quest to reclaim Erebor. Are you of age?"

"N-no.. But Dori's my guardian and he's already given me permission and he wants to join the quest too sir."

"And Dori, son of Falori, would you give Ori permission to attend my company?"

Dori hesitated, and Nori glared at Dori for it. It would be so easy to hate him for how he _still_ won't call Ori his brother, and he sometimes did hate him. Nori had known for a long time, long before Ori even told Nori. It was so _obvious_ to Nori, but apparently not Dori. Even after Ori told him, he still didn't understand. Dori had his doubts, because he didn't think it was reasonable, that Ori was just kidding around, that he'd grow out of it. And Ori, such a good lad, wouldn't fight and just wanted everyone to be happy, even at the price of hurting himself.

Ori was patient, has been for _years_ , telling Nori that Dori'd come around. But there was a price for that patience, Nori knew, one that left Ori with scars on his arm and the hushed, panicked whisper "Don't tell Dori!" 

Dori slowly looked away from Ori and to Thorin.

A heartbeat. Two.

"Yes." He said clearly, and Ori looked up at Dori with such hope it made Nori's heart squeeze.

Thorin arched an eyebrow, clearly unsure about this, and Dori spoke up again, "I give Ori, s-son of Belbere, permission to join your quest to-" he was cut off by a sudden, armful of Ori ramming into him and pushing his way close to his brother, holding him tight with his face pressed against his chest. And Nori couldn't just watch anymore- he bolted over to his brothers, wrapping his arms around them both as much as he could. Ori was whispering "thank you, thank you, _thank you,_ " over and over again, and Dori was too shocked to say anything but hold his brother's close and hope this display in front of the king wouldn't be taken as an offense.

"...to reclaim Erebor."


End file.
